I'm a great dog mom...now. I have my dogs on a routine. I feed them great grain free, protein rich food. I walk them daily, sometimes twice a day. We hike, I cook for them, I treat them better than most people. I love my dogs. However, I wasn't always the best dog mom.
Lately, I can't stop thinking about my first dog as a young adult. Her name was Lady and she was a sweet little pug. She was a little older when I got her but she was a great dog. She traveled with me and was my little companion for a very long time. As my life changed, her life changed too. I remember not being as attentive to her and actually being angry with her on occasion for stupid little things that she would do while I had left her for a longer period of time. It wasn't her fault that I hadn't been there, but I was going through some very rough stages in my life at the time and instead of taking her in as a companion to help me get through it all, I saw her as a chore, a responsibility that I couldn't handle. I let her down.
The last time I saw her, she ran from me. It was raining outside and I had let her out to go potty before I left for work that day. I was running late. I got frustrated because I was late and I yelled at her. She ran away. I was late so I just left. I just left her out there in the rain. I am not sure how I expected her to be there when I got back home after being gone all day. Why would she? I had gotten angry and yelled at her. I frightened her on more than one occasion. She was loyal to me and I let her down, really let her down.
I hope with everything in me that she found a safe place, someone to love her and treat her better than I did. Somewhere she could live out the rest of her life happily. I hope she found that since I was horrible to her. I hope nothing bad happened to her. I hate myself for not being there for her and I can't let it go. I know that I was in a really bad place at that time in my life and it was hard to take care of a pet but she depended on me and needed me. I was all she had. I'll never forgive myself for that.
I know that by now Lady is probably long gone. While I made the mistake and have learned from it, it's something that will haunt me forever. I can't even imagine myself ever being that way with my pets now and can't believe I was ever that way as much as I have loved animals my entire life. I blame the way I was on the factors that were at the time and made me the way I was but in the end, there's no excuse. I let those factors and people involved control me and take away the best part of me, the part that Lady needed most. I'm sorry, sweet sweet Lady, that I let you down. I'm sorry I wasn't the dog mom to you that I now am. You deserved so much better. I'll never forget you.
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Issues
So, it's been quite some time since I've been on the blog, and I am quite disappointed in myself for taking so long to get back to it. Although, I have been going through a tough time with job issues, and not only have I not been "feeling it," but I haven't had a ton of good stuff to write about.
My issues started back in January with me wanting to become the web manager for the College. I had been meeting with whom I was told was the appropriate person since last summer to express my interest in being the web manager as it is a critical marketing tool. I was told negotiations were happening. Then, as my review comes up in February, I fond out that there had been no mention of my meetings and where I wanted to be within the College. It was "Do the job or leave. Those are the options." See, web design was in my job description when I took the job. Unbeknownst to me, my job description had changed to not include web anymore. Regardless, I new what I loved to do and it was web design. Leaving me as web manager would have cost less than hiring anyone and someone could have been hired for my current position at a lower pay rate and everyone would have been happy...but, as my luck goes, I was not happy to be forced into the assessment work with the web work being taken away. But then, changes began to happen. My job description was once again changed to include travel, something I had disagreed to from the beginning. I wasn't happy about this either. Then I was told I my office of 4.5 years would be taken away so that I could be moved into a cubicle. I started to become furious with how it felt that they were forcing me out. I didn't want to do the job and they knew it so basically they were prepping the position for the next person they'd bring in. Fine, but for me, it was about keeping an established employee of almost 5 years happy and doing what they love rather than taking everything away and having a disgruntled, unhappy employee who hates what they do. Good luck getting quality work out of that person...
Needless to say, things only got worse. Now I had been entertaining the idea of having my own business for quite some time but I hadn't decided to make the leap. I had instead been searching for jobs and interviewing quite a bit but nothing had panned out yet. So, while I had still been maintaining the website and keeping my experience with it going, others had different ideas. An email communication went out to everyone that I would no longer be the web manager. This was the notification I received. Really?! So at this point, I was furious. Not only had I not been communicated with about many other changes to my job, but now I had not received any head's up that this change was happening. Just to make a long story short, there was no communication or consideration for my feelings or where my talents were best utilized. There was no consideration for my happiness even though I had been a committed employee of over four years. The worst part though, was that I was made out to be "confrontational" and was pulled into a meeting with HR because of "concerns" by my supervisor. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am in no way confrontational. People laugh when I tell them this. I avoid confrontation; have my whole life. Apparently being "visibly upset" was interpreted as being "confrontational" and "unprofessional." And all this coming from someone whom I tried to get support and guidance from. I asked for guidance once and was told to "Google it." Also someone whom I've witnessed being very unprofessional and has never engaged with me to get to know me. Never in my life have I been so dismissed and treated as if my thoughts, feelings, and opinions don't matter...but they don't. It's just plain out disrespectful. They want a "yes" man; I get it. I just don't fit their mold anymore. It's time for me to move on. When it's hard for me to get out of bed and drive the 5 minutes to work, there's an issue.
I've had at least four in-person interviews, two phone interviews, and I have another interview soon, but even if nothing works out, I have to make a decision. I'm miserable right now. I'm also feeling quite defeated. Yes, at least I'm getting interviews and that means something, but it's really hard to be turned down over and over. One of them was the perfect fit and I should have been a shoe-in, but the hiring manager went a different direction with what he hired even though a colleague told him he was making the wrong decision and I was the person for the job. How defeating is that? It's hard to find a new job, but I have never had this hard of a time finding something. So that's where I'm at right now. Waiting to decide what to do.
In all this madness, one good thing did happen. We finally found a house! Finally. We had decided to take a break and then...I saw the listing online and called Corey and he was about to call me about the same listing. We decided to take a look and made an offer right away. Good thing we did since it was a hot item. With a counter offer, we accepted the terms and got started with the contract, inspection and loan terms. Everything finally fell into place like everyone said it would. The house only had some minor repairs to be made by the sellers and everything was set to close on May 8. A few days before the closing, we were notified that we no longer qualified for the USDA loan. The only other option we were given was FHA. FHA requires 3.5% down with a higher closing cost and funding fee. This would make our payments higher as well. We freaked out a little because we had very little time to decide what we needed to do. Let me tell you - RESEARCH! You should research every option you have for a loan. We ended up finding out that there were other better options for us from other lenders and apparently our lender was not knowledgeable enough to provide us with this option. In the end, they were able to give us a Conventional 97 and it worked out great, and we were able to close within the ten day extension in our contract. We had to pay 3% down but no funding fee, no PMI, less losing costs, and our payments are lower. Options are out there. Be sure to ask the questions.
So here is my current situation. Just two weeks into our first home and I'm thinking about quitting my job. Doesn't sound good when I put it that way...but when I think about my health, happiness, and sanity, it makes more sense to do something I at least like and maybe something I'll love even if the money isn't quite there because I'm over being miserable. It affects too much. And it's not like I'm doing a job that will help me in my career goals. I've been working on a change for a while now. At least with having my own business I can get a ton of experience whether it soars or fails. I can always get a job somewhere, anywhere if needed. Any referrals will be greatly appreciate as well!
So, when I get all my issues sorted out, I'll be back to update. It's not like I don't ton of things to talk about from the past 6 months!
My issues started back in January with me wanting to become the web manager for the College. I had been meeting with whom I was told was the appropriate person since last summer to express my interest in being the web manager as it is a critical marketing tool. I was told negotiations were happening. Then, as my review comes up in February, I fond out that there had been no mention of my meetings and where I wanted to be within the College. It was "Do the job or leave. Those are the options." See, web design was in my job description when I took the job. Unbeknownst to me, my job description had changed to not include web anymore. Regardless, I new what I loved to do and it was web design. Leaving me as web manager would have cost less than hiring anyone and someone could have been hired for my current position at a lower pay rate and everyone would have been happy...but, as my luck goes, I was not happy to be forced into the assessment work with the web work being taken away. But then, changes began to happen. My job description was once again changed to include travel, something I had disagreed to from the beginning. I wasn't happy about this either. Then I was told I my office of 4.5 years would be taken away so that I could be moved into a cubicle. I started to become furious with how it felt that they were forcing me out. I didn't want to do the job and they knew it so basically they were prepping the position for the next person they'd bring in. Fine, but for me, it was about keeping an established employee of almost 5 years happy and doing what they love rather than taking everything away and having a disgruntled, unhappy employee who hates what they do. Good luck getting quality work out of that person...
Needless to say, things only got worse. Now I had been entertaining the idea of having my own business for quite some time but I hadn't decided to make the leap. I had instead been searching for jobs and interviewing quite a bit but nothing had panned out yet. So, while I had still been maintaining the website and keeping my experience with it going, others had different ideas. An email communication went out to everyone that I would no longer be the web manager. This was the notification I received. Really?! So at this point, I was furious. Not only had I not been communicated with about many other changes to my job, but now I had not received any head's up that this change was happening. Just to make a long story short, there was no communication or consideration for my feelings or where my talents were best utilized. There was no consideration for my happiness even though I had been a committed employee of over four years. The worst part though, was that I was made out to be "confrontational" and was pulled into a meeting with HR because of "concerns" by my supervisor. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am in no way confrontational. People laugh when I tell them this. I avoid confrontation; have my whole life. Apparently being "visibly upset" was interpreted as being "confrontational" and "unprofessional." And all this coming from someone whom I tried to get support and guidance from. I asked for guidance once and was told to "Google it." Also someone whom I've witnessed being very unprofessional and has never engaged with me to get to know me. Never in my life have I been so dismissed and treated as if my thoughts, feelings, and opinions don't matter...but they don't. It's just plain out disrespectful. They want a "yes" man; I get it. I just don't fit their mold anymore. It's time for me to move on. When it's hard for me to get out of bed and drive the 5 minutes to work, there's an issue.
I've had at least four in-person interviews, two phone interviews, and I have another interview soon, but even if nothing works out, I have to make a decision. I'm miserable right now. I'm also feeling quite defeated. Yes, at least I'm getting interviews and that means something, but it's really hard to be turned down over and over. One of them was the perfect fit and I should have been a shoe-in, but the hiring manager went a different direction with what he hired even though a colleague told him he was making the wrong decision and I was the person for the job. How defeating is that? It's hard to find a new job, but I have never had this hard of a time finding something. So that's where I'm at right now. Waiting to decide what to do.
In all this madness, one good thing did happen. We finally found a house! Finally. We had decided to take a break and then...I saw the listing online and called Corey and he was about to call me about the same listing. We decided to take a look and made an offer right away. Good thing we did since it was a hot item. With a counter offer, we accepted the terms and got started with the contract, inspection and loan terms. Everything finally fell into place like everyone said it would. The house only had some minor repairs to be made by the sellers and everything was set to close on May 8. A few days before the closing, we were notified that we no longer qualified for the USDA loan. The only other option we were given was FHA. FHA requires 3.5% down with a higher closing cost and funding fee. This would make our payments higher as well. We freaked out a little because we had very little time to decide what we needed to do. Let me tell you - RESEARCH! You should research every option you have for a loan. We ended up finding out that there were other better options for us from other lenders and apparently our lender was not knowledgeable enough to provide us with this option. In the end, they were able to give us a Conventional 97 and it worked out great, and we were able to close within the ten day extension in our contract. We had to pay 3% down but no funding fee, no PMI, less losing costs, and our payments are lower. Options are out there. Be sure to ask the questions.
So here is my current situation. Just two weeks into our first home and I'm thinking about quitting my job. Doesn't sound good when I put it that way...but when I think about my health, happiness, and sanity, it makes more sense to do something I at least like and maybe something I'll love even if the money isn't quite there because I'm over being miserable. It affects too much. And it's not like I'm doing a job that will help me in my career goals. I've been working on a change for a while now. At least with having my own business I can get a ton of experience whether it soars or fails. I can always get a job somewhere, anywhere if needed. Any referrals will be greatly appreciate as well!
So, when I get all my issues sorted out, I'll be back to update. It's not like I don't ton of things to talk about from the past 6 months!
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