I'm a great dog mom...now. I have my dogs on a routine. I feed them great grain free, protein rich food. I walk them daily, sometimes twice a day. We hike, I cook for them, I treat them better than most people. I love my dogs. However, I wasn't always the best dog mom.
Lately, I can't stop thinking about my first dog as a young adult. Her name was Lady and she was a sweet little pug. She was a little older when I got her but she was a great dog. She traveled with me and was my little companion for a very long time. As my life changed, her life changed too. I remember not being as attentive to her and actually being angry with her on occasion for stupid little things that she would do while I had left her for a longer period of time. It wasn't her fault that I hadn't been there, but I was going through some very rough stages in my life at the time and instead of taking her in as a companion to help me get through it all, I saw her as a chore, a responsibility that I couldn't handle. I let her down.
The last time I saw her, she ran from me. It was raining outside and I had let her out to go potty before I left for work that day. I was running late. I got frustrated because I was late and I yelled at her. She ran away. I was late so I just left. I just left her out there in the rain. I am not sure how I expected her to be there when I got back home after being gone all day. Why would she? I had gotten angry and yelled at her. I frightened her on more than one occasion. She was loyal to me and I let her down, really let her down.
I hope with everything in me that she found a safe place, someone to love her and treat her better than I did. Somewhere she could live out the rest of her life happily. I hope she found that since I was horrible to her. I hope nothing bad happened to her. I hate myself for not being there for her and I can't let it go. I know that I was in a really bad place at that time in my life and it was hard to take care of a pet but she depended on me and needed me. I was all she had. I'll never forgive myself for that.
I know that by now Lady is probably long gone. While I made the mistake and have learned from it, it's something that will haunt me forever. I can't even imagine myself ever being that way with my pets now and can't believe I was ever that way as much as I have loved animals my entire life. I blame the way I was on the factors that were at the time and made me the way I was but in the end, there's no excuse. I let those factors and people involved control me and take away the best part of me, the part that Lady needed most. I'm sorry, sweet sweet Lady, that I let you down. I'm sorry I wasn't the dog mom to you that I now am. You deserved so much better. I'll never forget you.
